The Real Losers are the UK's last hope at changing the stereotype that only good things that come from that jolly ol' island are Billy Childish, Guinness beer, Benny Hill, & the Young Ones. Read on as The Real Losers dish the dirt on being feed up with the lack of good bands in England, an unsupportive music scene, and their thoughts of America. If you have yet to hear their now out of print vinyl only debut album "Time To Lose" then you're in luck as it has just been re-released on CD with two bonus cuts. Their raw out of control brand of garage rock has been compared to early Rip Off Records style & they put on a hell of a show at the Chicago Blackout back in May, which is where this interview took place. I hope you have as much fun reading this as I did interviewing them. Interview on May 13, 2004 at the Empty Bottle, Chicago, IL by Mike Fungus. Live photos by Jeff Watts, band photos by Mr. Chips.

Present for interview were:

C. SHAKE - Bass/Vocals

Hot Dog - Drums

Not present:

The Hand - guitar

FB: Tell me how the Real Losers got started.

(read in your head with a thick British accent) Shake: The Real Losers got started back in 1999 after we drank like fuckin’ loads of booze and watched a film called the Sore Losers by like JMM McCarthy from Memphis, we like bands like Guitar Wolf like and Teengenerate, and like the Dead Boys and all those shitty fucked up bands and then we just went fuckin’ crazy nutzoid, drank even more booze and started playing rock ‘n roll and now we’re here. Next question.

FB: Ho do you feel about American people and when they think of British garage rock they think of Billy Childish.

Shake: Yeah, fuck Billy Childish, we don’t give a fuck about that guy. I’ve seen him once and he’s bored me senseless, but we’re gonna bore you even more senseless. We’re the most boring straight edge band in the fucking whole wide goddamn world, so like don’t even fucking think about enjoying yourselves, you know.

FB: I like that every other song is about hot dogs or rock ‘n roll…

Shake: Yes, yes. (Screaming) Oh YESSSS!!! Hot dogs, rock ‘n roll make for like, you know the most primitive form of life.

FB: Also zombies.

Shake: Yeah, zombies are good. Give us a zombie film and like we’ll be there masturbating, trousers down at the ankles, like havin’ a really fuckin’ good time. It’s that simple, it’s not rocket science baby, it’s just rock ‘n roll!

Hot Dog: Rock ‘n roll!

FB2: What do like on your hot dogs?

Shake: Every thing, gherkins, pickles, onions, mustard, ketchup, starch, grease, filth…

Hot Dog: Dog fat, dog fat.

Shake: Pubic hairs, you name it, you put it in it we’ll fuckin’ scarf the lot.

FB: Being that you’re in Chicago and Chicago is famous for their hot dogs have you tried any yet?

Shake: Yes, we had a Chardog today. She’s (Hot Dog) eaten two dogs.

FB: What was your impression?

Hot Dog: I liked it, it was fantastic. Yeah, it went down pretty well.

Shake: What do you think of it?

FB: The pizza’s even better.

Shake: We’re gonna wait till we go to New York and the real thin pizza, ’cause I like ’em thin, I don’t like this stuffed crust shit, you know.

FB: What do you think about the tour with the Catholic Boys?

Shake: Absolutely fantastic, the Catholic Boys are the kinda guys we’d like to get naked with, wrestle with, spit on, and then like spend a good time with.

Hot Dog: And roast ‘em.

Shake: Yeah, we’re gonna roast ‘em. But I’m sure those guys smoke way too much weed, as I said before we’re a straight edge band, we drink nothing but beer and that’s about it so they might have one up on us on that one. And they’re younger than we are, we’re like forty, forty-five and shit and they’re like sixteen, fifteen.

FB: I think I also heard the Catholic Boys were gay (just a joke fellas, no harm meant by it at all).

Hot Dog: Yeah, totally, totally.

Shake: Yeah, we’ll fuck ‘em, we’ll fuck ‘em. As long as we got a tight small greasy little hole, we’ll plug it.

FB: What do you think of the garage scene in England….

Shake: Shit, shit.

FB: Versus the USA?

Shake: They don’t even talk about it. Nobody gives a shit about us. There’s nothing going on, forget about it, forget about it.

Hot Dog: There isn’t one in England.

Shake: I’ll tell you what you should do, you should tell George Bush to send over his fuckin’ like fuckin’ grade A bombers and just drop a nuclear bomb on the goddamn island, it sucks. We’re staying away from now on, this is our spiritual home, this is where we were born, breed, we’re gonna fucking die here.




FB: So it’s pretty much Blur versus the Catholic Boys? (Comparing England to the US in terms of bands)

Shake: Blur? We’re not Blur, no fucking way.

FB: Well I’m talking about the English scene.

Shake: Ah, English scene smenglish scene, we don’t want nothing to do with it. There’s about two good bands, that’s us--there’s three good bands, there's us, the Illegal Movers, and the Ulcers, the rest of them can all go and shit themselves, you know. Seriously there’s nothing there, like bands come over, they don’t get well (something I couldn’t make out), no one pays them any money, no one gives a shit about ‘em. We played like a ton of gigs and everybody looks at us like we’re a bunch of fuckin’ fools. You’re gonna witness that tomorrow when stand there like beat our hearts out, you guys are gonna stand there drooling from what’s going off again. What’s the fucking point of these guys coming all the way over here and playing this fucking shit when you can hear a ton of bands who sound exactly like this in America, so don’t even bother fucking putting us on next time alright, seriously. Next question! Is that it?

FB: No, no.

Shake: Do you have a question? (to some one near the pool table) Why are we here? We don’t give a shit why we’re here. Next question. Someone in the room: You‘re here because you don’t give a fuck, fuck all and you wanna get fucking… (mumbled conversation/questions from people in the room) Yeah but we don’t take cocaine either, we’re not into cocaine. Cocaine smocaine, that ’s not what we’re about, we’re a booze band. We’re a booze band.

FB2: Do you like American beer?

Shake: Yeah, yeah, Blue Ribbon. Right now we’re just drinkin’ Pabst, seriously, it’s all the way. Pabst, Pabst, Pabst, until it’s pissing out me pants, I’m shittin’ it, I’m pissin’ it, I’m fucking dribbling this stuff, I love it. Next question. Roll it, keep moving, keep going.



FB: Being the stupid American I am…

Shake: No, no, you guys are more intelligent than we’ll ever be. (Hot Dog laughs)

FB: We admire the British sitcoms like the Young Ones and Red Dwarf…

Shake: Oh, now you’re talkin’. Red Dwarf, forget Red Dwarf, that’s for sci-fi nerds, the Young Ones were good, (but) Benny Hill’s the favorite show in the whole wide world.

FB: Hey, I like Red Dwarf.

Shake: Well Red Dwarf’s got it’s moments, the black dude who’s the cat is the probably the best character that like Red Dwarf’s ever produced.

FB: What about the Young Ones though?

Hot Dog: What do you say about the Young Ones, it’s a fucking gow.

Shake: I don’t know any thing about the Young Ones, she loves the Young Ones.

Hot Dog: I think Rik Mayall is fantastic.

Shake: My mom and dad bought me the book, like the Young Ones manual when I was about fourteen of fifteen, and like there was a little sketch about Rik Mayall wankin’. There’s a bath foam in England called Mayter, have you heard of Mayter?

FB: No.

Shake: It’s like this kids bath foam right.

Hot Dog: It turns blue when you put it in the bath.

Shake: Yeah, and it goes all foamy, so like the Young Ones sketch is like Rik Mayall is wankin’ and it produces so much suds that your mom can’t see you masturbating underneath it. Next question.

FB: I will say that one of the best British sitcoms I’ve ever seen is Bottom.

Shake: Bottom, yeah that’s kind of madcap stupid. It’s basic slapstick, it’s like the 3 Stooges, the 3 Stooges are pure gods, you know. Anybody beatingsomeone else over the head with like a frying pan and shit is hilarious. Next question.

FB: Is the Real Losers album going to be licensed in the US?

Shake: Well, no it’s just been like taken up by a guy in London, ‘cause we’re an English band, so a guy from London…

FB: So it’s out of print though?

Shake: Yeah, it’s out of print now but a guy from London is gonna do the CD version with two bonus cuts.

FB: So it will be available Worldwide?



Shake: Yeah, he’s gonna send it over here. No body in fuckin’ England wants to know about the Real Losers, you’re the only saps who’s like bought into this shit, and you’re the only people who’s buying this shit, so that’s why we’re here. If a guy was to put it out in the USA, yeah he can do it, he can have the fuckin’ tapes, our asses are for rent so bring it on. Next question.

FB: So if Greg Lowery came to you tomorrow, “I want the Real Losers”, you wouldn’t tell him to fuck off?

Shake: That guy wants an album from us. He wants another album, a new album. We’re gonna record a new album but it’s gonna be a power pop album, it’s gonna be called “Look Real Sharp”. It’s The Real Losers “Look Real Sharp” right, it’s gonna be twelve or eleven songs pure power pop insanity.

Hot Dog: What? We’re getting tired of this shit.

Shake: Yeah maybe we’ll explode, we don’t know about that. We’ve got one more album in us okay, it’s either gonna be on Alien Snatch or like Greg Lowrey’s label, but if none of those guys wants to put it out we’re not gonna do it, who gives a fuck, you know. Life’s too short to worry about releasing albums. Next question.

FB: What do you hope to accomplish on your US invasion tour?

Shake: Fun. We want to meet a bunch of people like you guys who are interested in what we’re doing. We want to spread the word that England’s shit, we want you guys to come over to England, invade England, bring all your bands over. Have a good time, and you know have some fun. Hang out with the Catholic Boys, I want to wrestle Paul Reject, I’ll put him in a head lock and go like that (a punching motion) on the top of his head with my fist. And I also like wanna say “Hi” to my mom and dad.



FB: Any bands you want to hype up before we end the interview?

Shake: I’ll go for the Catholic Boys, I’ll go for the Mystery Girls, I’ll go for the Flakes, the Flakes have written us two songs, for us. The guy from the Flakes wrote two songs and we’re playin’ ‘em right now. Uhm, any of these bands who are playing the Blackout we admire, we love it.

Hot Dog: The Damned.

Shake: The Damned, The Dead Boys, forget about the Stooges, we don’t care about the Stooges.

FB: Besides the new single on Wrench an the Bancroft single, anything else coming out?

Shake: Well, we’ve got the album out on Squirrel.

Hot Dog: We’re working on the new album.

Shake: Yeah, we’ve got to record a new album, definitely.

FB: You’ve got the CD of the first album?

Shake: The CD of the album, it’s gonna be a reissue of the LP, but it’s gonna be on CD, it’s got two extra tracks, it’s gonna sound pretty shitty. There’s no bass on it, it sounds fucked up. We’re gonna record some new songs, uh and we’re gonna call it a day really, like take it easy, that’s it.

FB: Any thing else?

Shake: Thanks for the interview. Take it easy.

Check out the Real Losers, their Bancroft single & CD on Wrench are both out now. You can reach the Real Losers through their website here