The MELVINS are a band that really needs no intrduction. Before you read this you and think they acted like jerks you should know that the interview was not very serious. It was probably the craziest one we’ve ever done. I don’t know how well it will translate on paper, too bad we didn’t have it on film. Interview on April 14, 1995 by Mike (FB) & Jeff (FB2) Watts.
Mark: (looking through F.B. #6) Where’s
the Melvins boot licking page?
FB: I’VE GOT IT ON TAPE. MY GHOST WILL SELL THIS TAPE TO HARD COPY.
Dale: Well you know I’d probably look at this fanzine, I’d
take it and I’d go (he starts ripping the issue apart as the other
THE ALBUM REVIEW FOR STONER WITCH FROM F.B. ISSUE # 6
|FB: THIS IS SOME MORE ABOUT BASS PLAYERS. WHAT
HAPPENED TO THE OTHER TWO. I HEARD
THAT LORIE WASN’T EXACTLY INTO TOURING THAT MUCH.
Dale: Lorie was an alcoholic!!
Buzz: We kicked her out because she was an alcoholic.
Mark: But mainly because she was a woman.
Buzz: That’s right, and we decided why send a woman to do a man’s job. (laughter)
FB: WHAT TABLOID WAS IT THAT THEY RAN PART OF IN YOUR FLIPSIDE INTERVIEW?
Buzz: Do you read the tabloids?
FB: THE ENQUIRER.
Buzz: Then you’re an alcoholic!!
Mark: You read Flipside, that’s a tabloid. A bunch of garbage, all the people that run that are...
Buzz: Do with it what you will, believe what you will. We can’t make any difference about that.
FB: YOU GUYS ARE VERY OPEN ABOUT YOUR HEAVY KISS INFLUENCE. WHAT PERIOD OF THE BAND ARE YOU INTO, THE OLDER STUFF BEFORE THEY WERE UNMASKED?
Dale: We’re into the alcoholic period.
Buzz: We’re into post “Lick It Up” Kiss.
FB: WHAT DO YOU FEEL ABOUT THEM NOW? DO YOU STILL LIKE THEM?
Buzz: (shaking his head) No.
Mark: Only since “Crazy Nights”.
Buzz: No, “Cool In The Shade” is their finest record.
Dale: My favorite record is “The Elder”.
Buzz: “The Elder” yes, their least selling record, “The Elder”.
FB: HAVE YOU EVER HAVE ANYBODY COME TO THE SHOW IN KISS MAKE UP?
Buzz: We may have had boneheads do that.
Dale: I know we have.
Mark: We have, in Austin there was a couple of Gene Simmons’ walking around.
Buzz: Have you guys ever been to Austin?
Buzz: Do you guys know who Steve Austin is?
FB: YEAH, I DO. HE’S THE SINGER IN TODAY IS THE DAY.
Dale: No, no.
Buzz: Steve Austin is the Six Million Dollar Man.
FB: THERE’S ANOTHER STEVE AUSTIN, HE’S IN TODAY IS THE DAY.
Buzz: He stole Steve Austin’s real name. Next question. He’s (FB2) got a whole list of them over there, lets
FB2: WE YOUR SOLO ALBUM ORIGINALLY SUPPOSED TO BE RELEASED AS ONE ALBUM?
Buzz: No, absolutely not. They’re all supposed to be EP’s.
Dale: So which one of you faggots wrote that review?
FB: I DID.
Mark: Oh so you confess.
FB: THAT’S RIGHT.
Buzz: These guys have balls the size of coconuts.
Dale: So you don’t like that record?
FB: I LIKE IT BUT...
Buzz: Oh, now he’s going to insult us to our face.
FB: I WROTE THAT REVIEW BEFORE I REALLY LISTEN TO THE ALBUM A LOT.
Buzz: He judged a book by it’s cover.
Mark: So I guess we can take everything you’ve got in there real seriously. (laughter)
FB: THAT’S RIGHT.
Mark: Never heard it, don’t know who you are, don’t know anything about you. (more laughter)
FB: (JOKINGLY) LET’S PUT IT THIS WAY, I HAVE HEARD THE ALBUM ALL THE WAY THROUGH ONCE.
Buzz: That’s it, and you hated it?
FB: NO, I’VE LISTENED TO IT A LOT OF TIMES. I LIKE IT.
Mark: Did you have to buy it?
FB: YES, I DID.
Buzz: (laughing) Sucker!!!
FB: AMREP SENT ME THE “PRICK” THING THOUGH.
Buzz: What do you think of that?
FB: I THINK IT WAS—THERE’S A LOT OF PEOPLE THAT DON’T LIKE IT BUT I THINK IT’S PRETTY—I
ENJOYED IT. I LIKE SAMPLES, I KNOW IT’S FUCKED UP BUT...
Buzz: You see there’s no samples on there.
Mark: Nope, not one.
Buzz: It’s all real tape stuff, believe it or not.
FB: I WROTE A REVIEW OF IT LAST ISSUE AND I PUT THAT....
Buzz: (cuts me off) Nothing new here!
FB: NO, I SAID THAT IT SOUNDED LIKE YOU WANDERED THE STREETS WITH A TAPE RECORDER.
Buzz: That’s true because parts of it were.
Mark: That’s exactly what we did.
FB: BUT WHAT ABOUT THAT ELVIS THING, THAT HAS GOT TO BE A SAMPLE?
Buzz: (sounding surprised) How did you know it was Elvis?
FB: CAUSE I COULD HEAR IT LIKE, “WHICH DOOR IS HE COMING THROUGH”.
Mark: It’s not a sample, it’s real live...
Buzz: That’s not a sample.
FB: A RECORDING OF A TAPE PLAYING OR WHAT?
Dale: Well actually everything on that record is a sample because actually a recorder is a big sampler. In fact you’re sampling right now.
Buzz: You’re taking a sample of Friday the 14th 1995.
Dale: Yeah, all a sampler really is is a recorder.
Buzz: It’s not sampling in the traditional sense of it.
FB: DID YOU EVER REALLY TRY TO GET ATLANTIC TO RELEASE THAT?
Mark: We didn’t try to get them. They wanted it and we said no.
FB: DID YOU GO TO AMREP STRAIGHT OFF?
Buzz: Yep, straight off. From the word go it was always going to be on AmRep no matter what.
Mark: From the get go.
FB: PLUS WASN’T “HOUDINI” RELEASED ON VINYL ON AMREP TOO?
Buzz: Yeah, it was cause we wanted them to put it out. Some know nothings have suggested that we did that “Prick” record as a way to get out of a non existent contract. We never had a contract with AmRep, I don’t know what they're talking about. These fools are utterly uninformed.
Mark: Those must be some of those people that write stuff about things they know nothing about again.
Dale: Those are the same alcoholics that think we’re on Sub Pop.
Buzz: Yeah, people have actually said, “Sub Pop recording artists”, I’ve seen that. We’ve never recorded a single second for Sub Pop, ever!
FB: I WAS READING AN ARTICLE ON YOU ON THE WAY OVER AND THEY SAID SOMETHING LIKE YOU GUYS WERE “THE GODFATHERS OF GRUNGE”.
Buzz: You see everybody’s got that wrong, it’s not GRUNGE it’s GRUDGE. We’ve got a grudge against
everybody. We’re the grandfathers of it.
Dale: Right now we’ve got one against you.
Buzz: (laughing) Right now you guys are at the eye of eye of our hurricane.
FB: THE PRESS KEEPS MENTIONING SEATTLE BUT YOU GUYS HAVE BEEN IN SAN FRANCISCO FOR A LONG TIME.
Buzz: I’ve lived in Hollywood for almost two years. Dale’s lived in San Francisco for years.
Mark: Dale’s the only one who remains in Some Fags Crisco. (laughter)
Buzz: (being sarcastic to Mark) There’s no queers down in Hollywood.
Mark: There’s no queers in London either.
Buzz: London, England is based on the start of fags.
Mark: There’s no queers in London.
Buzz: There’s no queers in London, none, not one. Not since Freddy Mercury died.
Dale: Freddy’s straight compared to all those faggots over there.
Buzz: But he was from over there.
Mark: There’s not one. Not since Oscar Wilde, he’s the last queer.
FB: WHEN YOU GUYS PLAYED IN TOPEKA (opening for Nine Inch Nails) DID YOU GET A CHANCE TO SEE THE REVEREND FRED PHELPS OUTSIDE PICKETING THE SHOW?
Buzz: We heard about it. Did you go to that show?
FB: NO, I WAS HERE SEEING THE COWS.
Buzz: At this place? How was it, was it jam packed?
FB: NO, IT WAS GOOD THOUGH.
FB2: MARK YOU PRODUCED “OZMA” IS THAT RIGHT?
Mark: “Ozma” and “Gluey Porch”.
FB2: IS THAT HOW YOU MET?
Mark: Yes that’s how we met. Actually we meet through the singles columns.
FB2: WHY ISN’T THERE ANY SONG LISTINGS ON “LYSOL”?
Dale: Because we didn’t want to put them on there.
(Buzz gets distracted because he is talking to someone from the Bottleneck about the show)
FB2: WERE YOU GOING TO GET SUED FOR USING THE TITLE?
Dale: Well, they didn’t think it was very cool for us to call the record “Lysol”. Although all of our fans new about it.
FB: I’VE SEEN COPIES OF IT WHERE PEOPLE HAVE PEELED THE STICKER OFF TO SHOW THE TITLE. IT SEEMED LIKE EVERYONE ALREADY KNEW THAT IT WAS GOING TO BE CALLED THAT BEFORE IT WAS RELEASED.
Buzz: What was that?
FB: ABOUT LYSOL.
Buzz: What about it?
FB: IT SEEMED LIKE EVERYONE KNEW IT WAS GOING TO BE CALLED THAT.
Buzz: Totally. Everybody calls it that anyway, including us.
Dale: They found out about it by reading it in some magazine and then they called up pretending that they were some stupid fanzine.
Buzz: They did all this detective work. Like we give a shit about that.
Dale: They asked why it was called Lysol and I told them that it was because we like to drink lots of it, get fucked up on it. And that’s why they decided to sue us.
FB: DID THEY SEND THE OLD LAWYERS AFTER YOU?
Mark: They sent the old lawyers.
Buzz: They sent a team of lawyers over there, fuming mad, to Boner records. Threatened us.
|FB: WE’RE ALWAYS READING ABOUT YOUR LOVE
OF JOLT COLA.
Mark: I hate that shit. Only fags drink it.
Buzz: I don’t have any. Do you guys know where I can get any in this town?
FB: PROBABLY AT A CONVENIENCE STORE.
Buzz: Why do they call stores that are such an inconvenience store a convenience store?
Mark: It’s a convenience store but it doesn’t have what you want.
FB: I THINK YOU SHOULD GET A SPONSORSHIP FROM JOLT.
Buzz: Will you guys work on that for us?
FB: WHAT WAS IT LIKE FOR YOU GUYS OPENING TOURS FOR BANDS LIKE PRIMUS & NINE INCH NAILS?
Mark: Fuck, they were fags!
Buzz: We hated all those bands!
Mark: Those guys were pricks!
Dale: They’re all alcoholic faggots!
Mark: Except for Trent, who’s really cool, but everybody else is a faggot!
FB: DID IT SUCK GOING TO PLACES, LIKE TOPEKA, WHERE NOBODY KNEW WHO YOU WERE?
Mark: It sucks coming to places like this!
Dale: It sucked playing some of these hockey arenas places.
Mark: (sarcastically) We hated it! We’d rather play some grimy, leaky, punk rock basement any day man! (tons of laughter) Cause the kids are cool, fuck those people that go to big gigs man!!
Buzz: I only want to go to gigs where the sound system sucks and I can’t even see nothing.
Dale: We don’t like playing with a good P.A. system to ten thousand people. I fuckin’ hate when that happens!!
Buzz: Fuck that man. Why the fuck would I want to do that and destroy my rep?
Mark: We’re doin’ it for the kids, we don’t want to make any money or nothing.
FB2: WHERE DID YOU GET THE NAME FROM?
Dale: What name?
FB2: THE MELVINS.
Mark: It’s a Ramones rip off.
FB: ISN’T A MELVIN ANOTHER NAME FOR A WEDGIE?
Buzz: Yep. You see Dale was fucking this chick and she kept saying it over and over and over. (laughter)
Dale: Melvin, Melvin, Melvin. I had a grudge against her. I was grudge fuckin’ her.
FB: HAVE YOU SEEN THE B-MOVIE WHERE SOMEONE IS KILLING PEOPLE OFF AT THE HIGH SCHOOL AND THE JANITOR’S NAME IS MELVIN? HE’S REAL TALL WITH LONG ARMS. I CAN’T REMEMBER THE NAME OF IT.
Buzz: I haven’t seen it.
Mark: The Toxic Avenger’s name is Melvin.
FB2: DO YOU GET A LOT OF COMMENTS ON YOUR HAIR?
Buzz: None at all.
Dale: No one ever notices that he has fucked up hair.
Buzz: Black people laugh the loudest at me.
Dale: They do. “Look at that nappy headed boy” HA HA HA.
Mark: That’s because they know that Buzz is a brother.
FB: HAVE YOU SEEN THAT GUY FROM KARP? HE’S KINDA GOT HAIR LIKE YOURS.
Buzz: If I see those Karp guys I’m gonna kick they’re fuckin’ asses, you tell ‘em that.
Mark: Those guys are loser rip off fag faces. If they ever show up here they’re gonna get their asses kicked so far up their throat every time they burp it’s gonna smell like a fart.
Buzz: (laughing) The funny thing is he doesn’t even know who they are, he’s just sayin’ that.
Dale: I heard his is permed.
Mark: I heard his is a fuckin’ wig and I heard he takes it up the ass too! (laughter) And another thing he’s a...
FB: HE’S AN ALCOHOLIC!!
Mark: I’ve got a feather in my fanny over that guy. If I see him he’s gonna get pounded into ash.
Dale: (looking over the deli tray) You guys aren’t vegetarians is ya?
Dale: Good than eat some fucking meat! Here (has a handful of meat), want me to feed ya?
Dale: Eat it, eat it, eat it, no eat it! EAT IT!!! EAT THE FUCKIN’ MEAT FAGGOT!!!!! EAT!!(Buzz & Mark are about on the floor because they are laughing so hard)
FB: I’LL PASS, FEED HIM. (Dale goes over to FB2)
Dale: Eat!! Eat it!!
Mark: Eat it faggot!
Dale: I’m gonna put it on your face if you don’t eat it.
Buzz: These guys are vegetarians, I knew it!!
Dale: Eat it, eat it, eat it!!
Mark: It’s good, we’re eating it. What the fucks wrong with it?
FB: YOU GUYS HAVE BREAD WITH YOURS.
Dale: I’ll give you some bread.
Mark: You guys are picky. How’d you like a whole loaf up your ass? (laughter)
Dale: Would you like ham or turkey loaf?
Mark: Look he’s a breadatarian.
Buzz: They’ll eat wheat products, that’s it. (more laughter) (Dale fixes me a sandwich)
FB: THROW A SLICE OF CHEESE ON THERE.
Mark: Ohh, listen to him.’
Dale: You want a fuckin’ milkshake too pal?
FB: YEAH, YOU GOT ANY?
Mark: How about a slice of apple pie?
FB: (as I eat the sandwich) DO YOU HAVE ANY SIDE BANDS OTHER THAN SAWED OFF?
Buzz: Have you heard the Sawed Off stuff?
FB: NOT YET.
Buzz: We’re working on a Sawed Off album.
Mark: We’ve got a rap band.
Buzz: Shhh, that’s a secret.
Mark: Sorry. I’ve got a side band called I’m Gonna Kick Your Fucking Ass! (laughter)
FB2: WHY DID YOU CHANGE YOUR NAME FROM BUZZ OSBORNE TO KING BUZZO?
Buzz: I didn’t do it, it was record company hub bub. It’s more record company hooey, it’s garbage, crap. I’m not for it but they do it anyway. Next.
FB2: WHAT IS A STONER WITCH?
Buzz: What do you guys think it is?
Mark: Both you guys are faggots, nevermind.
FB: WE CAN EDIT THIS YOU KNOW.
Mark: Why would you want to edit this? Oh, I guess we’re all choked up inside. (laughter)
Dale: You know what that’s nothing new there.
Mark: Really, you mean you can only write down what you want to? (laughter)
FB: (to Buzz) YOU WERE IN THE BECK VIDEO RIGHT (Beercan)?
Buzz: Yeah I was, I got paid for it.
FB: DIDN’T BECK SAMPLE...
Mark: One hundred dollars and hour.
FB: DIDN’T HE SAMPLE ONE OF YOUR SONGS OFF “BULLHEAD”?
Buzz: It was off “Eggnog”.
Mark: It was off the album “Bull Shit”.
Buzz: That’s what I always thought after we put out “Bull Head” we thought the reviews would say, “Bull Head is bull shit!”
FB: ONE TIME THE WERE TALKING TO SOME MODEL ON MTV AND SHE HAD A COPY OF YOUR CD5.
Mark: We met her, we met her! Yeah, we hang with super models.
Dale: The punk rock stoner witch model.
Buzz: And when Dale was fuckin’ her what was she screamin’ out? (laughs)
Mark: Melvin, Melvin. (laughter)
|Dale: I was grudge fuckin’ her.
Mark: She screamed it for five seconds. Next question.
(There is a silence)
Mark: Now we’re mad.
Buzz: You need to speak the question.
Mark: He’s trying to communicate with us telepathically.
FB2: YOU DIDN’T HEAR IT. WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT WHEN YOU PLAY LIVE?
Buzz: Getting through it. (laughter) Breakfast.
Mark: Thinking about making sure that people like you don’t get on the guest list.
Buzz: What do I think about? Usually hoping that one of these two queers doesn’t fuck up the next song.
FB: DO YOU GUYS WRITE NEW SONGS ALL THE TIME?
Buzz: Yeah, we were working on a couple today during sound check.
Mark: None of your business!
Buzz: (laughing) And besides it’s none of your business.
Mark: That’s none of your business, what we do is secret. If we want you to know, we’ll let you know.
Buzz: How long can you hold your hand down in this ice water? Try it, try it. Come on try it, try it. (Buzz sticks his hand into a large tub filled with melting ice and beverages) Ahhhh, that’s cold!
Dale: Let’s see who can do it the longest.
Buzz: Let’s see who can do it the longest.
Mark: When you have heart surgery that’s what they do to you, you know. They put you in an ice bath to cool your body temperature so it slows your heart way down, then they yap ya and stop it and put you on a heart lung machine.
Buzz: (putting his hand back in the ice water) Uhh, fuck that’s cold.
Dale: How long did you do it for?
Buzz: I don’t know.
Dale: I’ll time ya.
Buzz: Next, next. (Mark is still in background talking about heart surgery)
Buzz: Who’s next? Do it, do it.
FB: I’VE GOT THE RECORDER.
Dale: I’ll hold it for you.
Buzz: Stick your hand down in the ice.
Dale: When I say, “Go”, go. Ready.
Buzz: Go! (I stick my hand down in the ice and it’s not really that cold)
Buzz: Now he’s gonna be all like, “I’m the man! I can do that!”.
(my hand is still in the ice)
Buzz: Keep it going.
Dale: He can do it.
Mark: Little do we know he has no feeling in his right arm.
Buzz: (laughing) He’s got a wooden arm. He’s doing pretty good.
Mark: He is isn’t he.
Buzz: How long Dale?
Dale: Twenty seconds.
Mark: He’s doing it just to prove it.
Buzz: I know, he’s gonna get frostbite just to prove something to us.
Mark: We don’t want you to pull that baby out until we see it turn black. (laughter) (I pull my hand out of the ice. I could have gone longer)
Dale: Thirty seven seconds. Next.
Buzz: That’s pretty good. Thirty seven seconds.
(FB2 gets ready to stick his hand in)
Dale: Ready, go!
Buzz: Down farther! All they way not none of this finger tip shit. You’ve got to get past 37 seconds. Dale, tell him when he gets past so if he can break the record. How longs he got?
Mark: Five seconds.
Dale: He’s got 16 seconds.
Buzz: It’s getting colder isn’t it? (laughing)
FB2: IT’S PRETTY COLD.
Mark: Yeah, that’s why we have drinks in it. (laughter)
Buzz: How long has he got Dale?
Dale: He’s at 30 right now.
Buzz: Eight more seconds and you can break the record. Look at him he’s shaking, his eyes are starting to bleed. Look at him. (laughter) Come on you can do it! Has broke it yet Dale? He’s broke the record!! (FB2 takes his hand out of the ice)
Dale: Forty seven seconds!
Buzz: That’s pretty good boys! (clapping)
Dale: I’ll see you later. (laughter)
Buzz: I’m sure I can’t break that so I won’t even try. (laughter)
Mark: I’m sure I can’t either. You win. (more laughter)
Buzz: You win, good work!! Next question.
FB2: FRANK KOZIK DID THE ARTWORK FOR “HOUDINI”, DO YOU PLAN TO USE HIS ARTWORK AGAIN?
Buzz: Probably not, it’s been done. We’ll move on to greener pastures.
Mark: I think we’re gonna use Francis Bacon, we’re gonna dig him up and have him do our next cover.
Buzz: We won’t have to pay any royalties that way.
FB: DID YOU GET ANY ROYALTIES FOR BECK USING A SAMPLE OF YOU?
Buzz: Not a fuckin’ dime. Once you get people at Geffen involved that’s it, the last thing you’re gonna see is money. I’m surprised I didn’t get a fuckin’ bill because he used one of my songs. (laughter) “You owe us!!”. Beck is a really nice guy, I was really surprised. He was really cool.
FB: HAVE YOU PLAYED ANY SHOWS WITH HIM?
Buzz: With him? Never, I’ve never even seen him. The only time I’ve ever heard him was on record, that’s it. What do you guys think of this place? (the Bottleneck) We played the Outhouse before a long time ago. We played some other joint around the corner (what was the Down & Under). We played in an Outhouse. (laughter) The thing about the Outhouse was that they didn’t have an outhouse. (laughter) And I wish they would’ve because the toilets out there are shit!
FB: TOWARDS THE END OF IT’S LIFE SPAN THEY BROUGHT SOME PORT-A-POTTIES OUT THERE.
Dale: They had a bathroom but somebody drove through it that day.
Buzz: A place called the Outhouse had no outhouse.
FB: I SPECIFICALLY CAME HERE TO SEE YOU BACK IN ‘92 AND YOU WEREN’T THERE.
Buzz: We canceled? What happened?
FB: THEY SAID YOU (BUZZ) HAD AN ULCER.
Buzz: Oh yeah, that’s happened. It’s been taken care of.
Dale: Would you guys care for an iced animal? (cookie)
Buzz: Their hands are iced. (laughter) Did that hurt?
Buzz: It hurt me when I did it, cause I’m a pussy! They must be men. Forty seven seconds, that’s pretty good.
FB: YOU PROBABLY BEEN ASKED THIS ABOUT TWO THOUSAND TIMES BUT....
Buzz: Two thousand and, go ahead.
FB: I’M NOT GONNA ASK IT.
Buzz: ASK IT!! (laughs) Come on ask us!
Mark: He’s got some lame question about KC and The Sunshine band. (laughter)
FB: EVERYBODY SAYS THAT NIRVANA IS THE REASON THAT YOU ARE POPULAR...
Buzz: Two thousand and one. (laughter)
FB: I THINK THAT YOU DID IT ON YOUR OWN, I DON’T THINK IT WAS NIRVANA.
Buzz: Nirvana certainly helped us out.
Mark: Albert Einstein here!
Dale: Well thank you very much, now you can lick my boots.
Buzz: Nirvana certainly helped us out but we don’t even sell a tenth as many records as those guys do, so. It’s not like they’re writing checks for us or anything like that.
Dale: They helped us out pretty good actually.
Buzz: They’ve helped us out a lot but in actuality if we add up all the money we ever made playing with Nirvana versus how much it cost us to play with Nirvana, we’re in the hole. We’ve lost money as a result of Nirvana.
Dale: Nirvana’s helped me quite a bit. (probably from royalties of “Bleach” sales on which Dale plays drums on one of the songs)
Buzz: You, not me!
Dale: But I helped them.
FB: THAT’S IT.
Mark: Thanks, see you later. (Buzz laughs) Now get the fuck out! (more laughter)